Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
