I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
