Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
