I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
