Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
