The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
