He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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