I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
