She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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