The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
