Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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