They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
