At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
what the fuck happened to the tacos
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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