I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
