No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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