No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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