Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
