around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
