Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
