There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
