1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
