Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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