the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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