Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i've created a new STD.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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