My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
