I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
