best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
