why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
