hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
