There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
