my room smells like sperm. sweet.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
