I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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