Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
