i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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