my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
then he tried to convert me to islam
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
