my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize