I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
