well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
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There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
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How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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