It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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