a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
