Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So much Jack, so little girl.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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