my phone needs a breathalizer
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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