i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
