totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
