nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
