In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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