I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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