I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
