threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
