today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
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did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.