dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
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When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.