you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
