Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
