I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
