Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
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One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
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Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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