Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
