My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
