You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
