Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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