For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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