My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
