New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
