i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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