When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
