It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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