OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
